Roleplace

This is just me reflecting on a lot of men in my life I’ve attracted in various ways with mommy issues. And how it never seems to end well.

 

Assign me a role

to hold me in place

Tell me what look

to display on my face

To make you comfortable

and take all the blame

to make me question myself

so you get acclaim

Tell me Anything

Tell me Anything

Tell me anything

and I’ll believe

And I am so tired of you always coming first

And you grasp for my teat like a babe that must be nursed

and when I pull away

to just get some space

You throw all your shame and guilt in my face

I am your echo

whatever you say

I’ll just agree

you’re not listening anyway

And if I question you

I just get attacked

But you call me the aggressive one

How exactly is that?

Tell me what you need

Tell me what you need

Tell me what you need

And I’ll be there

And I am so tired of this unconditional support

and starting to fake what once what a natural rapport

everything ends in conflict

I’m not trying to

I think what has happened is I’ve outgrown you

And I never would want to hurt you

intentionally

More than anything else

I still am rooting for you to succeed

But I can’t be around you

and constantly hold your hand

you need find yourself

and be your own man

I’m not sorry

I’m not sorry

I’m not sorry

It’s time to move on.

 

 

 

And that’s okay

And that’s beautiful

And that’s progress

And sometimes that’s life

Every relationship is in our lives

is to teach us

and to remind us what we are worth

and what’s not worth it

anymore

and I’m still thankful

but I am gone

 

Stay true to yourself Vigilantes

~thatvigilantechick

 

 

 

 

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Fall Blossoms

Today feels like fall

This entire year has felt like fall

Change is the air

It’s palpable

But It’s not some cornucopia of vegetables

and it’s not some crispness in the atmosphere (that doesn’t really exist in the Southeast anyway)

And it’s not transitioning to a new chakra I read about in a book at Barnes & Noble when I was 19 (though I do believe in chakras)

It’s strength

It’s a new sense of self sufficiency I haven’t felt in about 6 years.

It’s lifting my head up out of a well worn hidey hole and facing things

And knowing that it’s okay that I can’t put every fire

but that I am perfectly capable of putting out a fair few

This year I’ve joined a new theater community that I love

Gotten to express myself creatively more than I have since college

I’ve looked 3 bears in the eyes completely alone on a hiking trail and made it out just fine

Managed to keep my distance from my father

Continued to deal with even more fertility issues

Entered a rough patch in my marriage and come through the other side stronger than ever

I’ve survived a head on collision recently

Doctored up some really great resumes

Found out I still have ADHD

And found a new path in life

A path I’m willing to go back to school for

And that in itself makes me a lot less scared

Realizing what I can survive makes it a lot less scary to pursue something new

And be ready for the rejections that inevitably will keep occurring before success

I have an amazing family

A relationship that seems to be comprised of steel

And not only have I cultivated an amazing group of friends that inspire me to better, I’m surrounded by people that I know it’s okay if I’m not perfect around.

For the first time in my life I’m not questioning if I’m good enough 24/7

I mean I probably still do it 14/7 but that’s huge for me

Things that would have caused a complete breakdown even months ago or a year ago I can withstand now

I’m also in a creative community that is really healthy

And I get to learn and apply it practically

I get to hone a craft that I’ve been obsessed with since childhood

How many people get to do that?

And when I perform it, or write it, or sing it, I get to share it and surprisingly the feedback is mostly positive

which is also a new feeling

I have nothing lined up yet

but I have faith in myself that I can find a way to achieve my goals

And actually having some direction makes it a lot less daunting

I feel like I’m finally beginning to grow into myself and tap potential I’ve let lie dormant for years

but then again I’ve always been a late bloomer

I guess I just had to gain some experience to start blossoming

Fall is rebirth, a fresh start for me.

I know it’s weird for things to blossom in the fall and not the spring.

But I’m a weird kind of gal.

And I think I’m finally becoming okay with that.

 

Stay resilient Vigilantes

~thatvigilantechick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reprobation

Trust isn’t easy

It has to be earned

but just how many times

can one bridge be burned?

Behaviors on repeat

Apologies given

Words aren’t enough

For you to be shriven

Not here to dangle absolution

or have you down on your knees

but give me a reason

for this anger to cease

for this hurt and betrayal

to finally fade away

to actually believe

any word that you say

I would like to love you

but all evidence states

that you’re nothing but trouble

a true reprobate

I’m under no obligation

to love you, you see

other than as a human

with objectivity

Your apology’s hollow

if followed by inaction

I know you’re just lonely

and I’m a distraction

I’m not the same person

that you used to effect

I’m stronger and wiser

with newfound self respect

So take your power plays and projection

and be on your way

as Bianca Del Rio says

Bitch, “Not Today”

 

 

The Exacting

Words perfectly picked like berries on the vine

Pruned, parsed, selected, she smiles and says “I’m fine”

Actions analyzed, pregaming

before a movement’s made

She is a tactician’s fantasy

Her set plans are always made

But she’s no mastermind at all

Her schemes are ruled by fear

worrying what they all will say

or worse what they might hear

she prunes at her perfection

weeds out the flaws she sees

each breath is calculated

to charm, delight, or please

Her being painstakingly catered

to each and every passerby

until all that’s left of her

isn’t quite a lie

certain traits are just hidden well within her skin

in placed that can’t be sighted

because God forbid anyone at all

is ever close to slighted

it’s easy to forget sometimes what lies beneath the grooming

the wrinkles covered up by the ever present pruning

the more she pushes outward

the more hollow she feels

as the lines keep ever blurring

between perfection and the real

 

 

 

 

The Lie That Is Sitcomes

In TV shows, there is always this ensemble cast, throughout the whole run, and it rarely changes. The same people show up week after week, season after season. The same smiling familiar faces with a bond so strong that the group never faltered. .Never changing. It took me a long time to realize and accept that real life doesn’t work like that.

Sure, I’ve witnessed a few groups, that are still friends from high school and still close. But that is extremely rare. Most people move, having falling outs, or more than likely just change. That’s something TV and movies don’t really prepare you for. As a 9 year old couch potato and sitcom junkie, I adopted some pretty unrealistic expectations.

Not only do friend groups fracture, families do too. I remember when I was 11, my Aunt moved out of our house, and my parents were in the process of getting a divorce. I felt so utterly alone, as (at the time) an only child. I used to walk in our backyard, around our pool, just singing Mariah Carey and Disney songs. Sometimes I would even sleep on the swinging porch in the backyard to avoid the screaming. I was very lucky I had some place safe to get away and self soothe. I was also lucky to be able to spend my weekends with Aunt and Uncle and friends to get away from it. I knew it was toxic, i knew it was bad, but I still wasn’t ready for the change.

Looking back this has been an ongoing motif in my life. Knowing something is bad, knowing it’s toxic but still holding on out of obligation or in the hopes it will turn around. And believe me, people rarely turn around.

And if I’m honest with myself, I think it was heightened by my how much family just kept perpetually fracturing. My mother got remarried, to an emotionally abusive man and a legitimately sociopathic step-sister. Again, another terrible situation but I just kept on hoping this would change. So I would alter the only thing I could, myself and my behavior. It never worked and I was always more miserable because of it. I liked his mother and one of his sisters but with they divorced, and thus were wiped off the map.

Then later that year my father also divorced his 3rd wife, who was also one of his mistresses, because he couldn’t keep it in his pants, again. Her and I had never been particularly close, but toward the end, we had an understanding. When he would drone on and on, never listening, and cutting off everyone else, we would exchange a sad understanding look. And in that way I started to develop compassion for her and I felt we had a connection. I also really liked her mother and her dogs. But, I never saw them again, never said goodbye, they were just gone. Again.

Then, when my mother moved back to Virginia, my Aunt didn’t want to see her. My mom, Aunt and her husband and I had always been very close. So, once again, I had to respect their wishes and that last bit of what I saw as  my nuclear family was fractured. Luckily, this time both sides are still in my life in a healthy way.

But I think this constant fracturing and self blame led me to hold onto to so many relationships and friends that were so damn toxic for me. Jobs too. Never having the other person take blame. Always internalizing it and assuming I was at fault. It would take a lot for me to ever let anything go or stop investing in something that did not yield returns. I would fight like a mad woman even if we were just naturally drifting apart. Just one girl, against the current of change.

But a lot of things are changing now, for the better. And I’m really excited to begin to see the fruits of letting go or things ending. It’s taken 18 months but it’s well worth it. I’m so thankful I started going to therapy, cut my father out of my life, and have had the best, most patient, husband, family, and friends I could ask for along the way.

The other day, I had just buttloads of energy. I could not calm down and I realized it was just happiness. Not just relief from an onslaught of drama or some life crisis but actual happiness. I’m so proud of the woman I’m turning into and that little voice of encouragement gets louder in me every day. I’m just so grateful to be given this opportunity to change, in my own way.

Sitcoms got it wrong. Life is harder but it’s worth it. Those characters never change, they never grow. And it’s actually kind of sad when you think about it. Plus, Friends was pretty transphobic, homophobic, and racist when you think about it. But the beauty of it is, we’re not snapshots in time, and we can change. And that’s pretty damn amazing, if you ask me.

Henry

“We’re all just beasts”

That was the line they’d selected in the papers. That would be the last thought her Henry would be remembered for.

She still remembered the first words. Henry had been an adorable baby. Chubby and cherubic. She could still picture his sweet face looking up into her eyes, tugging on her earring, and finally, at long last, addressing her. “Mama” She smiled, caught herself, and shook her head. But of course, those weren’t the kind of things they like to print. And what was the point of submitting an obituary if they’d already published his suicide note.

Not that she had had any say in the matter. How like Henry to even in death, to have the last word. She clenched the paper, feeling it wrinkle between her knuckles and fingertips. She had tried to show him that people could be good. That there was light. She’s taken him to church, to national parks, the zoo, parties, museums, anything she could think of to instill a sense of awe or gratitude. None of it worked. He would just stand there unimpressed, ear buds in, choosing not to connect. She wanted to shake him. And on a few occasions she had. Trying to get him to feel something, anything at all. But he’d just looked at her blankly, scowl firmly in place.

Of course she’d thought about therapy but she couldn’t have any of the neighbors finding out. Surely, if she was truly godly, she could save him herself.

She tried exorcisms, flaggelation, baptisms in the old claw bath tub, constant prayer, but the boy was too consumed by the darkness. He simply did not want to be saved. She knew if he just accepted Jesus into his heart, all of problems would vanish. God could do that.

She was proof. After her husband Beau had died, she was afraid she’d never see light again. But the church had found her, promised her peace, financial aid, community. They’d delivered on all fronts. Henry, in typical fashion rejected the congregation. After Beau died, he’d rejected everything. Sneered at her rituals and blood rites. Even mocked her friends to their faces.

She’d wished he hadn’t done that. Her friends were quite sensitive and it had humiliated her. Father Ignacius convinced her, she had to be harder on the boy. Without a father figure, he needed discipline, authority. And she’s tried her best. She’d been weak at first, doubtful, but through faith she’d found the courage to show him her resolve. Still throughout all her ministrations, he never even screamed, not a whimper, not a sound. He would just stare at her unimpressed, with his jaw set, spurring her to try even harder. It was for his own good, after all. Didn’t he see that? Even during the bleedings, it had been out of love. Just like when Christ bled for all of their sakes. And he’d even found a way to hurt her even with that.

The pictures had left nothing to the imagination. There was Henry strung up to a tree like a scarecrow. Lying there limply, barbed wire around his head. He had shaved the dogwood tree down to a perfect lower case T, Henry had always had an eye for detail. Around his neck was a cobra, fashioned like a boa. And in his blood, the snake’s venom. Confirming what she’d already feared, that Satan had him.

And if that wasn’t hurtful enough, the letter, she closed her eyes, that damn letter.

Dear, fellow humans

I want you to know first and foremost that mankind is not special. We like to pretend we are. We dress ourselves up, plug ourselves in, give ourselves structure and what we perceive to be order. We claw our way to the top of careers, buildings, and the food chain. But that doesn’t make us special. That doesn’t make us better than. At the end of the day, we all are just trying to fuck, spread our seed, steal resources, and eat. That’s it. And we will use any means necessary to get it. War, rape, theft, murder. But we’ll dress it up first in a lie, morality, religion, manipulation, delusion, addiction. Whatever we can find to side step the depraved base shit we are actually doing to get what we want.

Because people are in denial. We are in denial that we’re all beasts. But we’re worse because we’ve evolved enough to make tools and with those tools self righteousness and megalomania. We live like Gods, changing the earth’s climate, changing our appearance surgically, wiping out species, even bringing people back from the dead. Pretending to care about our fellow human, whilst letting most of them live in abject poverty, covered in dirt and debasement. Not realizing these disenfranchised people are living the most authentic lives of us all. Covered in sweat, flies, hair, dirt, doing whatever they have to do to eat and making no apologies for it. That’s honest, that’s honorable, but it’s forced, and no one sees it but me,

We strive to be individuals or special when we’re just pack animals that want to be accepted and protected. So we form tribes, people who think the same, value the same thing, and wage war on the other ones. Sometimes bloody, sometimes political, financial, or religious. Were not evolved, we’re not special. We’re just pretentious enough to couch our depravity in executive orders, commandments, film scripts, and boy scout codes. Peel away the layers, and you’ll see it, clear as day. Clearly as two boars rutting violently in the mud. We’re all just beasts. And no God, father figure, or professor, or political figure erases that. And as I’m the only one that can see this world, humanity, for what it really is. This shit stain of a race. This pretentious parade of fuck puppets, pulling eachothers’ strings, and congratulating one another, on being so god-damned enlightened. I’m tired. Tired of not having a tribe. Tired of being surrounded by smug, clueless, assholes. So, with my last words and wishes, I formally remove myself from this circle jerk, and renounce my humanity, my “civilty”, and my life. 

Choke on it,

Henry

P.S. Hope you like the scene I created Mom. You wanted me to be God-like? Well here, I am, Jesus Christ his god-damn self. Maybe if you and your freaks pray hard enough, I’ll come back.

 Sally bit her lip and slammed her fist down on her bureau. nearly hitting a lit candle. “I’ll come back” he wrote. She knew he wouldn’t. How could he? Her son, was without a doubt, burning in hell. She couldn’t be blamed though. Some souls just can’t be saved. And she’d been cursed with an ungrateful child. A willful child. One obviously predestined for hades. After all, she thought, putting on her red robes, she’d been an excellent mother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fall

Sometimes it takes everything being stripped away to realize what you had at the beginning.

And that will ultimately, always be yourself.

And the funny thing is, that’s what you were looking for all along.

The past two years have been a struggle.

In March 2017 I hit the lowest point I had hit since high school.

I started seeing a therapist and slowly peeling back layers I had convinced myself were long healed over.

The top ones were. But being a former archaeologist I should have been more thorough with my digging.

The lower levels were untouched and just as raw as they ever had been.

I had neglected my own stratigraphy.

So I set off to work.

Along the way I let go of a lot of people

Family and extremely close friends included.

I got to know betrayal, vulnerability, and paranoia intimately.

And feeling about as low and worthless as possible.

But through a lot of revelation and dedication I started carving out something new.

Positive thought patterns.

A way to be gentle with myself.

It’s a quite voice but getting more prevalent.

It still surprises me sometimes, and the encouragement still catches me off guard to the point where I look around, because surely I didn’t think that nurturing thing.

I’ve becoming a woman who actually listens to her advice and instincts.

And someone who only gives time to those who gave it back.

And moreover love to people who are actually able and happy to return it.

A person who doesn’t automatically internalize everything and just assume it’s always her fault.

Someone who is learning it’s okay to put herself first occasionally

And that to trust others she has to trust herself.

And judge who to trust more wisely and selectively.

I am learning and growing more confident by the day.

Not everything has gone how I wished or wanted it to go.

But I have no control over that.

And bitterness is not a weight I wish to carry or something that is necessary.

So I breathe, let it go, keep pushing, and shift focus.

What is meant to be will be and everything on this earth is temporary.

I have plenty of passions to nurture or explore.

I’m happy with what I’ve done, how I’ve grown, and most importantly my own character and kindness towards others.

I know I’m giving birth to this empowered version of myself and I can’t wait to meet her in all her glory.

It’s a little scary entering this new chapter. And hopefully soon, leaving a safety zone I’ve been lucky enough to have throughout this transition and process.

But I’m ready to take on different responsibilities and roles as someone who can gracefully, competently, and assuredly do so.

Times they are a changing, and it’s time I did as well.

And it’s about damn time.

 

Stay flexible Vigilantes,

~thatvigilantechick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reclaiming My Time

So for the first time in a while I feel really happy.

The past few weeks I’ve been off of work and it’s given me a lot of time to myself.

I’ve decided the theme of this stay-cation is “Reclaiming My Time”. In the immortal words of Ms. Maxine Waters of course

maxine-waters

What that means to me is allowing myself to do what I feel I need to do on my schedule.

This means allowing myself to go to events later if I want to and letting myself say “Hey, this time would actually work better for me. ” This means allowing myself to say “No” if I feel like I need to. This also includes allowing myself to be introverted or take myself on road trips or dates just for me. Remembering I don’t have to always be obligated to invite someone somewhere or always initiate an invite because it’s passed some arbitrary deadline in my mind for a friend meet up. That it’s okay to let some time go by and good friends will still be there.

Honestly the past month has been difficult. The doctor put me on clomid for our fertility issues and it really fucked me up. Extreme bloating, cramping, terrible mood swings, spaciness, and some fun vertigo were just a few of the fun side effects that came with that drug. Only to find out I didn’t even need it in the end, they just didn’t time my ovulation right.

seriously

I feel like that is FINALLY out of my system. So that is like a breath of fresh air.

My Great Uncle died. But in a way this was also a relief. Not because I am a monster and was wishing death on him for years. He was 93. He’d be sick for a while and it was only getting worse. His kidneys were failing him and then he contracted MRSA. By the end of it he was pulling out his IV and asking to see my dead grandfather (his brother). It was really hard to watch his decline. By the end he didn’t even really want visitors because it took so much of his energy to interact. For over a month it was just watching him in this awful purgatory. So when he died, yes it sucked because he’s gone, but I was just happy he wasn’t in pain anymore.

The day after I found out I went on this amazing road trip to Culpeper, VA which was unfortunately bougey as hell but still fun. Getting out and travelling and forcing myself to see the beauty and adventure in life was much needed. There were friendly cats, far too much fox hunting memorabilia, free Belgian pineapple truffles, a Bison ranch, mountains, and many scary rain storms. I think two of the things I love about solitary road trips, are one, you’re not beholden to anyone else’s schedule or preferences and two, it reminds you how independent you are capable of being.

Being in a place you aren’t familiar with and navigating it and figuring it all out on your own is such a liberating experience. When I did archaeology I got into the habit of doing it all the time. I was often in new territory and it was fun to see what was around. And honestly, sometimes it gets pretty lonely so being in a new place forces you to explore and enjoy your own company. And I crave that experience constantly especially when life gets overwhelming and I need to remember to be a bad ass bitch and that life is actually quite lovely. Especially because whether it’s asking for directions, restaurant recommendations, or help with your oil cap, you eventually may have to rely on the kindness of stranger. This helps restore faith in humanity which I find is needed, especially in this political climate.

I’ve started sketching again and am actually looking into buying a used keyboard so I can start writing music again with rudimentary sheet music. I even took a trip to Richmond specifically to sketch at Maymont Park. And although it was not perfect by any means it was just fun to sit and focus and create something. I even took some pictures of things I’d like to draw later at home. My shcedule will be filling up again and I know I won’t have the freedom to drive all over the state just to  sketch non-flat landscapes.

hilly landscape

Oh and I got have a croque monsieur and mint simple syrup tea which are two of my favorite things ever. And takes walks down many interesting streets and alleyways. I am very lucky I am still alive at 33 with my ridiculous love of alleyways and interesting spaces.

I’ve been very careful to only commit to plans that I know will lead to accomplishment, happiness, or fulfillment. This means only interacting with positive people, committing to projects I actually finish, or doing something that makes my soul happy. And it’s working. Imagine that? I’m even keeping up with housework , did my mom’s yard work, and am actually being gentler with myself.

And of course being grateful. I don’t have a ton of money for this staycation because I’m kind of on a furlough but with a fixed amount of income weekly until work starts up again next week. But it’s easy enough to budget with a little bit of restraint and forethought. And that feels good too, pride in actually budgeting properly.

I’ve also been super active physically. Not every day mind you. But much more than I was and eating more sensibly for the most part.

I’m just really grateful that I’m having this much needed time to myself to grow and become happier with myself. I mean I’m pretty much stuck with me, so it’s probably good if I start celebrating that fact.

A lot of the posts I’ve done lately have been so negative, I just thought it would be nice to write one about positive things.

And how “Reclaiming my Time” has reminded me of how to love myself and be the best version of that. As Mama Ru says:

ru

Love yourself Vigilantes,

~thatvigilantechick

 

It’s been over 6 months since I cut my father out of my life.

It’s funny I thought on the 6 month anniversary of the event I would be wracked with sadness and pensiveness.

But it passed by and I didn’t even realize it.

Which is kind of amazing.

To think that a man that held so much control over my life is actually starting to fade.

His grip on me and that voice in my head telling me what I want or feel doesn’t matter becoming a little easier to manage.

For the first time in a long time, a lot of good things and opportunities are happening for me.

Which of course terrifies me because I’m so sure it’s all going to get snatched away like I had become accustomed to.

But now I’m getting to the point where I’m actually starting to believe I deserve some of the things I want. Like I can actually earn them. Not in an entitled way but like it’s okay to have a little hope and want things.

Some days are better than others but I truly feel by letting a lot of toxic people and situations go from my life, there’s more room and energy for the good.

It’s a little terrifying, but I’m just trying to remind myself to be gracious and humble and thankful. Like that should have been an oxford comma. But I didn’t correct it and now you’re reading it and possibly judging me. BAM HUMBLE. Although if you’ve come to this blog for proper grammar, you are most likely a masochist.

I dunno I was just feeling the need to write something stream-of-consciousness-y. I hope to be able to believe I deserve the good that comes into my life one day wholeheartedly.

 

To quote Journey and karaoke masters everywhere,

 

Don’t Stop Believing, Vigilantes 😉

~thatvigilantechick

De-Canonized

So I was listening to the song “She used to by Mine” By Sara Barielles which I adore and it made me feel things about a situation that occurred a month ago or so. And how I haven’t really finished processing it because when I thought about it I would just get too angry. This is just a piece about a relationship with a controller/narcissist, realizing it, and getting out. And the frustration of not realizing it sooner, and acknowledging you were actually raised to have a blind spot for a certain kind of person.

I know the last stuff has been a little bleak. There’s good stuff too, I swear. These are just the things I tend to write about at 2AM when I can’t sleep.

 

World seems to be shrinking

or is it expanding

making more room to grow

 

I keep on leaving

But I’m done bereaving

no longer watching them go

 

Tired of holding

True nature’s unfolding

Condescension still rings in the air

 

If me walking away is “toxic”

I can’t ascribe to that logic

it just show how little you cared

 

It’s crazy to think

I thought us in sync

when you were in the seat of control

 

The levels of hurt

made that much worse

because you toyed with my soul

 

Insecurities triggered

to make yourself feel bigger

Desperately putting me down

 

When you felt your grip slipping

and the scales started tipping

You rubbed my face in the ground

 

One narcissist gone

Another found

I feel as dumb as I do blind

 

And devastated that you’ll do the same

and play that same game

to my loved one in kind

 

I hope she’ll be wiser

and see through you faster

than I did at 32

 

And not take 10 months

but see it up front

the snake that lives in you

 

You don’t have the power you believe you do

without anyone to believe it

not that you’d listen

or that your own ego would even let you concieve it

 

I won’t mourn you, or curse you

or waste more time on you

than I have already given

 

No need for feed back

I don’t need a megalomaniac

to tell me when I should be shriven